"AND away, away in the distance, ah can just make out this ball, comin' in from the left. And ah'm startin' to run, to run like hell. And the voices are gettin' louder, and louder, and louder, cryin': 'Hey big yin, gaun yersel!'
"Except ah blootered it past the post fae three yards right intae the Mount Florida end."
For Chris Iwelumo, Saturday was more "I Have a Nightmare" than "We Have a Dream", on the day the 1982 World Cup song by BA Robertson and John Gordon Sincla
ir was recorded for re-release.
The Wolverhampton Wanderers striker's open goal miss was a haunting experience, as much for the Tartan Army as anyone else. His 33-minute substitute performance contained productive link-up play, physical threat and intelligent movement. Nonetheless, knocking the ball wide from three yards in front of a gaping net isn't the best way to endear yourself to supporters on your international debut.
Only the coldest hearted foot-soldier won't reserve sympathy for Iwelumo. He should have used his left foot, of course. Or his knee, or his backside, or any part of the anatomy that would have prodded the ball between the posts instead of past them.
The anguish at spurning the opportunity was etched across his face. This guy wasn't back in his native Glasgow to be a one-cap blunder, he wanted to push Scotland towards the World Cup in South Africa. Except, after a 0-0 home draw with Norway, it's now a case of "We'll (mibbee no') Be Coming".
Iwelumo addressed his colleagues in the home dressing room at full-time to apologise for sending Gary Naysmith's cross wide of Jon Knudsen's goal. Some would prefer him to address the nation and do likewise, but the player explained that he won't shirk this test of character and remains confident in his abilities after eight goals in seven matches for Wolves this season.
"If that's the way some people think, I can't do anything about it," he said. "Given the form I'm in, I'm more surprised than anyone at what happened. It's just one of those things you have to take on the chin. It's my first appearance for Scotland so it hasn't happened on this level before, but all strikers miss chances and I'm just disappointed mine was on Saturday.
"In hindsight, I'd have swung the left at it instead. I apologised to all the boys. With the heart and endeavour we put in, we should have finished with the three points. Goals change games and if I put that in you never know what happens. We'd probably have gone on and got another one. It's a hard one to take.
"They told me to stop being silly and to just get on with it. They congratulated me on making my debut but they were all positive. A few jokes were made and that does make you feel a bit easier."
George Burley, the national coach, was almost for ripping his prim and proper SFA suit off and tossing it on the track. Frustration does that to normally composed individuals. Afterwards, he was quick to confirm that Iwelumo hasn't blotted his international copybook and can expect to feature in future Scotland squads.
"That's fantastic to hear," responded the 30-year-old. "There are other aspects to the game apart from the chance I missed. I think I did pretty well being a presence, winning the ball, holding it up and linking with other players. It's great to hear what the gaffer said and it will make me stronger.
"I was delighted to get the nod but I'm disappointed with the result. We created some good chances, I should have scored, I don't know what else to say. Obviously I'm gutted, what happened happened but that's part and parcel of football.
"He (Burley] told me to make the ball stick, be a presence, lead the line and score a goal. I think I got everything else right except the last one.
"I'm delighted with the part I played apart from the disappointment hanging over me due to the chance. I'm a strong character and I'll move on from here. I'll come back better.
"I have to keep doing what I'm doing for my club, scoring goals and making a name for myself. I'm sure I'll be there or thereabouts with Scotland next time."
The fickle nature of football means that Iwelumo is likely to be burdened by that miss for some time, yet he isn't the first Scotland player guilty of such profligacy. Tartan Army members of a certain vintage will recall similarly shiver-worthy efforts from Steve Nicol in Mexico in 1986, and Billy Bremner in Germany 12 years before.
Certainly, Iwelumo has time to atone, but a goal on his next international appearance would appear central to any rejuvenation in the eyes of the Tartan Army. "I think things are going fantastically well," he said of his career in general. "I played well but missed a chance. Everything is going really well at club level and the other points of my game against Norway were good. My link -up play was fine but, obviously, everyone's going to talk about the chance. I don't think I had an awful game because of the chance but there will be people who think that. I'll work on the negatives and keep doing the positives."
Hibs forward Steven Fletcher was merely yards from Iwelumo as he sent the ball wide, both forwards having come on as substitutes as Scotland pursued a winning goal.
By throwing two inexperienced attackers into the fray –their sum total of international football was Fletcher's 45-minute friendly appearance against Croatia in March – and keeping the predatory Kris Boyd benched, Burley left himself open to question. Not least because he removed James McFadden in the process.
It was confirmed at the weekend that Boyd will now refuse to play for Scotland under Burley, but Fletcher is grateful for his exposure.
"I thought I did okay when I came on, I tried to hold the ball up and it was good to get the opportunity," he said.
"I thought I held my own. I got knocked about once or twice and I thought I should have had a penalty in the second half. I was holding him as well, though, so maybe it was 50-50.
"Big Chris is a powerful man. When he came on he hung on to big Hangeland and I was able to move onto the shorter guy. Norway are a big physical team with a few big lads but I think we should still have got three points. Chris came in and apologised after the game. There's nothing we could say to him. He knows himself but at least he was in position for the chance."
Kirk Broadfoot, the Rangers defender, expects a defiant response from Iwelumo. "The big man got himself on the end of a chance and missed it. These things happen," he said. "I'm sure he'll pick himself up and go and score for Wolves at the weekend. He's big enough and strong enough to deal with it."
The full article contains 1203 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
